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Healthy Relationships vs. Intimate Partner Violence

At some point, most people think about or question how healthy their romantic relationship is. Check out the chart below, which provides a good contrast between relationships that are healthy and relationships that might be abusive. If you find that your relationship has even just one or two characteristics listed in the right-hand column, it may help you to talk to someone about your relationship. You may be in an unhealthy, or even abusive relationship.

Healthy relationships function based on mutual respect, trust, equality, honesty, and open communication. Both partners in a healthy relationship maintain their own separate identities, and both partners share in decision making. When basic respect is missing, abuse is more likely to occur. Relationships are abusive when they involve use of intimidation, coersion, pressure, manipulation, one person controlling the other, put-downs or name-calling, or violence.

Learn more from a Delaware website about developing Safe and Respectful relationships where you can take the "Check Yourself" Quiz, view innovative Public Service Announcements made by Delaware teens, and read about becoming a Courageous Bystander (just to list a few great features!) Then check out Virginia's Red Flag Campaign to help you identify behaviors of concern or to view warning signs in a graphic art style illustration, visit Friends of Rosalind.

In a healthy relationship, you...	In an unhealthy relationship, you...
Communicate openly & honestly.	Are afraid of the other's reaction or temper.
Feel physically & emotionally safe.	Feel threatened or like you are "walking on eggshells" around the other person.
Take interest in and support each other's lives: goals, ideas, interests, friends, etc.	Discourage the other person's goals, ideas, interests, friends, etc.
Permit and have privacy.	One tries to control the other: what they wear, who they spend time with, what they do, etc.
Trust one another.	Are overly jealous and possessive.
Feel valued and cared for.	One makes the other person feel badly about him/herself.
Treat each other with respect.	One puts the other person down, calls names.
Enjoy the time you spend together.	Feel afraid of the other person.
Can resolve conflicts in a non-abusive manner.	Make threats, throw objects, push, grab, hit, punch, push, slap, hold down, or otherwise harm the person..
Respect each other's need for space.	Don't allow the other person to leave during an argument.
Have outside friends.	Seeing other friends is discouraged.
Make decisions together.	Only one makes decisions; makes the other feel as though they can't make sound decisions.
Participate in sexual activity by free choice.	One pressures the other to participate in sexual activity, or forces them against their will.
Both partners feel good about themselves and each other.	One partner feels manipulated by the other and feels badly about self.

To learn more, talk about your relationship, or seek help:

• If you are the victim of physical violence or sexual assault by an intimate partner, and you need immediate assistance, call 911 for police or ambulance.
• If you are in crisis or interested in talking with someone about your relationship, you can call S.O.S. 24 hours a day at 302-831-2226 to be put in touch with an S.O.S. volunteer; or you can make an appointment to meet with the SOS Coordinator at Student Wellness & Health Promotion during business hours by calling 302-831-3457. You may also wish to make an appointment with a Counselor at the Center for Counseling and Student Development by calling 302-831-2141.
• If your partner is abusive and you wish to seek the safety of a Domestic Violence shelter, call the Delaware Domestic Violence hotline at 302-762-6110.
• If you would like to participate in a support group for people in unhealthy or abusive relationships, or seek counseling about your relationship, you may wish to contact Child, Inc. at 302-762-8989 for more information about their extensive services.
• If you are in an unhealthy relationship, it may be helpful for you to develop a Safety Plan. You can meet with the SOS Coordinator at Student Wellness & Health Promotion to learn more about your options and to develop a Safety Plan. Call 831-3457 to set up an appointment. To get started, Break the Cycle has a good Safety Plan Worksheet for college students.
• If you are the victim of Intimate Partner Violence or Domestic Violence, you may wish to apply for a Protection From Abuse Order (PFA), which would legally prohibit the perpetrator from coming into contact with you. You may apply for a PFA when intimate partner violence has occurred regardless of your relationship status: past or present partners; married or unmarried; living together or separately; teenagers, young adults, or older adult partners; share a child or not; or oppositte-sex or same-sex partners. If you wish to obtain a PFA in New Castle County, Delaware, you need to go to Family Court to apply. There is an excellent Domestic Violence Advocacy Program providing assistance to victims through the court process to obtain a PFA. Call 302-255-0420 to reach DVAP.

Resources:

Child, INC. (Provides counseling, shelters, groups, parenting help, and information for teens and adults in Delaware regarding Intimate Partner Violence.)
Choose Respect
Dating Violence Resource Center
Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence Coordinating Council
Love is Respect
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline (Teen Dating Violence Information)
Red Flag Campaign (A Virginia resource to help you recognize unhealthy behaviors.)
Safe and Respectful Relationships for All (A Delaware resource about healthy relationships!)

To seek crisis support and victim advocacy 24 hrs a day from an SOS Victim Advocate, call 302-831-2226. The person who answers will take a first name and phone number and you will be called back within 10 minutes.

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