How to support your child’s school transitions

Incoming UD freshman Erica Dulin gets assistance packing up for college from her father, Mike Dulin, and stepmother, Kim Dulin.

4:25 p.m., Aug. 17, 2005--Some school years loom larger than others. Kindergarten, first grade, the first year of middle school, high school and college are all milestones. They’re a time of great change, with new surroundings, new expectations and new challenges.

The transition period-those first few days or weeks in a new school environment--can be tough for students, Jonathan Lewis, a senior psychologist at UD’s Center for Counseling and Student Development, says. “And, it can be a difficult time for parents, too,” Lewis adds.

Although parents want to support their children at these critical junctures, sometimes what they say or do is counter-productive. The single biggest mistake that parents make, Lewis says, is sharing their own anxieties about the transition.

“Don’t burden your kids with your sadness and anxiety when they engage in healthy separation,” Lewis says. “Instead, focus on the wonderful things involved in the transition.”

For a child going off to kindergarten, this could mean discussing how much fun it will be to ride a school bus or go on a field trip. First-graders can be reminded that they are “big kids” as they buy pencils, notebooks and other school supplies.

Parents of middle-school students can talk about the excitement of changing classes, electives and other “perks” that aren’t enjoyed in elementary school.

But, don’t overdo it, Dene Klinzing, a professor of individual and family studies, says. “When parents ‘oversell’ the new school experience, children can become wary,” Klinzing says. The child may wonder if parents are putting on an act to hide unpleasant information.

To help children adjust to a new school setting, identify issues that concern them, Lewis says. If a child wonders if they will make friends, ask them how they can take steps to do so, such as starting up a conversation on the school bus, joining an after-school club or trying out for a school sports team.

And, talk about the worst that would happen if the child’s fears come to pass, Lewis says. It wouldn’t feel good to eat alone the first day of school, for example, but remind the child that they will be returning home to their neighborhood friends, soccer team buddies or other existing social networks. And, eating alone on the first day doesn’t mean he or she will eat alone every day of the school year, Lewis adds.

“Kids need to learn that ‘things may not go well, but I’ll be all right.’ They need to know that they will be able to handle it,’” Lewis says.

Children also need to know that there is nothing wrong with being anxious about a transition. “Reassure your child that their fears are normal,” Lewis says. “Not knowing what’s ahead is scary.”

Preparation can alleviate some of the back-to-school jitters, Klinzing says. Be sure to attend “meet-the-teacher nights” and other orientation meetings. Use these events to get to know the teachers and other students, locate your child’s desk, locker or cubby, and walk around the school building.

During periods of transition, it’s important for parents to give their children extra time and attention. Affectionate notes in a lunchbox, a parent-child walk after dinner or a trip to a favorite park are just a few of the ways that a parent can do so.

“At school, children have to earn affection based on a whole bunch of different things, from how they act and look to how they dress or kick a ball on the playground,” Lewis says. “At home, kids need to be reminded that they are loved unconditionally.”

Eating dinner as a family is an especially good way for kids to “see the family unit as a sanctuary,” Lewis believes. It’s a time to be together every day, to hash out the day’s events and enjoy each other’s company.

But, the dinner table--or any other family setting--shouldn’t be dominated by talk of the new school and new transition. “Some parents become too invested in their child’s life,” Lewis says. “Your job is to be supportive. You want to be emotionally attuned to their needs, but, you also need to remember that this new adventure and next step in life belong to them, not you.”

Parents who are feeling a sense of loss should re-focus on hobbies that they had before their children were born, or try something new, Lewis says. Parents of first graders may decide they can now pursue career or continuing education goals. Parents of college-bound students may find themselves enjoying the additional time for their marriage, travel or other interests.

As Lewis reminds parents, “Your goal in launching your kids is to work yourself out of a job.”

Photo by Kathy F. Atkinson

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