Staying Connected with Kids after Divorce

Ken Seaman, director of the MS Assessment Clinic and clinical coordinator in the physical therapy department, takes a moment to review homework with his daughter, Monica. Seaman has worked to maintain a close father-child relationship after his divorce.

4:06 p.m., June 10, 2005--Even in the best situations, divorce is tough on kids. The weeks and months before and after a divorce are marked by change, confusion and uncertainty.

The upheaval of divorce can hurt the closest father-child relationships, according to Pat Tanner Nelson, Cooperative Extension family and human development specialist. In fact, research shows that fathers most likely to withdraw from parenting after a divorce are those who were actively involved in parenting during their marriages, but don’t share legal custody of the children.

These fathers often become alienated, Nelson says, and feel that they have lost control and influence over their children’s lives.

But, it’s vitally important for dads to stay connected with their kids after a divorce, no matter how challenging it may be. “Having two caring and involved parents is a tremendous benefit for children. A warm, nurturing and supportive father is associated with positive child development from birth through young adulthood,” Nelson says.

Research shows that children with involved fathers tend to have higher self-control, higher self-esteem, more positive coping skills and better social skills than children who don’t have a father in their lives.

Navigating the rocky transition from married parents to divorced parents requires commitment to a shared goal--the physical and emotional well-being of the children.

The relationship between the couple may have been troubled for months or years before the dissolution of the marriage and may continue to be strained. But, that doesn’t mean the ex-spouses can’t continue to be--or learn to be--good partners in parenting, Nelson says.

“Two parents don’t need to be married to each other and they don’t need to love each other. They just need to love and actively support their children,” Nelson says.

It takes teamwork and maturity on the part of divorced parents to form what Nelson calls an “effective parenting alliance.” In a parenting alliance, each parent is invested in the child; each parent values the importance of the other parent’s role in their child’s development; each parent respects the judgments of the other parent; and the parents are able to communicate effectively about the needs of the child.

To lay the groundwork for such an alliance, fathers and mothers may need to reexamine and redefine their roles after a divorce, Nelson says. They may need to get help in processing their feelings of anger, frustration and alienation before they can productively define their new parenting roles.

Nelson says that mothers should show support for the parenting provided by their former spouses. Fathers need to enjoy and feel good about the interactions they have with their children after the divorce. They need to feel that what they do will have a positive, constructive impact on their children’s lives, Nelson says.

Both parents should improve their stress-management and conflict-management skills to help them weather the difficult situations that will inevitably arise. “It’s a mighty big assignment for many divorced spouses to develop positive communication patterns, but it is essential for the well-being of the children,” Nelson says. “Although spouses may divorce, parenting is forever.”

To learn more about parenting after a divorce, see the resources available at: [http://ag.udel.edu/extension/fam/UandYourLife/divorce.htm].

Article by Margo McDonough
Photo by Kathy F. Atkinson

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