Communicating with your family

Maria Pippidis, Cooperative Extension family and consumer sciences educator, leads workshops to help women and men learn to be better communicators with each other and their children.

4:48 p.m., June 10, 2005--There is a perception that men have a harder time expressing their feelings than women do, but successful communication is the same for everyone, Maria Pippidis, UD Cooperative Extension family and consumer sciences educator, says. Each member of a family needs to learn how to successfully communicate in order to build healthy relationships.

Pippidis says effective communication is a major characteristic of strong families. “It’s the glue that can help families weather crises and other stressful situations,” Pippidis says.

It’s never too late to improve communication patterns within a family. Some of the most important skills, Pippidis says, are learning how to listen, expressing feelings appropriately and choosing the right time to talk things over.

How to Listen
It’s easy to get careless about really listening in families, Pippidis says. We may assume we know what the other person means or we may pretend to listen while we do something else. Pippidis says that effective listening entails:

Putting aside what you are doing to show the speaker you intend to listen.
Reserving your own opinions, thoughts and conclusions until you’ve heard what the speaker is trying to say.
Having an attitude of openness and respect for what your family member is saying. You may not agree, but being willing to hear what the other person says demonstrates your respect for that person.

Listening is difficult when strong emotions are present. Just being with a family member who is going through a hard time shows that you care. And if you are tongue-tied, don’t worry about it. A gentle touch or hug can show support, Pippidis says, when you don’t know what to say.

Expressing Your Feelings
You may assume that other family members know your needs, feelings and opinions without your telling them. But, Pippidis says, relying on mind reading usually results in disappointment, frustration, resentment, loneliness or hurt.

Expressing thoughts and feelings effectively means you may need to take the time to listen to yourself first. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?” “What do I truly think about this issue?” State your thoughts as clearly, honestly and constructively as you can. And, remember to focus on how something is affecting you rather than on blaming another person.

Pippidis offers these guidelines for expressing yourself clearly:

Say what you mean in a simple, direct way. Be specific rather than general: “I had a discouraging talk with my boss today” rather than “Oh, I had a terrible day.”
Describe how other people’s behavior affects you without blaming or evaluating: “I really need to talk to you” rather than “You don’t ever listen to me.”
Don’t avoid talking about something that is important to you because you are afraid of how the other person may respond. Be ready, in turn, to listen and try to understand the other’s reaction.
Be aware of your nonverbal communication. Your family knows you well and will believe what your face, tone of voice and posture say more quickly than your words.

Finding Time
Our lives are so busy and many people are overwhelmed with worries and responsibilities. Often it is family time—-and family communication--that gets short-changed. And, sometimes, people look for distractions to keep them from addressing issues within their families, Pippidis says. “Watching TV, working long hours, reading a book or taking on more outside-of-the-family responsibilities can be used as avoidance strategies,” Pippidis says.

Not addressing an issue often leads to hard feelings among family members and a sense of loneliness, she says. Opening up communication and talking through a problem will help move the family forward and build stronger relationships.

Be sensitive to nonverbal cues from family members, Pippidis advises. If a family member looks tired or anxious, give him or her a chance to share feelings by saying, “It looks like this has been a rough day for you.”

When things are especially stressful, it is even more important to plan a few minutes when everyone can be together.

“A few minutes in the evening talking about how things have gone that day and what’s ahead tomorrow can be a relief from stress,” Pippidis says. “Be sure to save difficult problem-solving conversations for times when you are not fatigued.”

Communication is the key to strong families and relationships. “Sharing the little things keeps families close so, when the big things hit, they can be handled more effectively,” Pippidis says.

Article by Barbara Garrison
Photo by Duane Perry

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