Take Care of You: Parents shouldn’t ignore their own needs

As assistant to UD’s executive vice president and a mother of preschool-aged twins, Margot Hsu Carroll keeps a full schedule. She de-stresses by occasionally using her lunch hour to read and relax on a park bench.

2:58 p.m., May 3, 2005--Parenting is a tough job. Both working parents and stay-at-home parents have endless demands placed upon them. Parenting doesn’t begin at 9 a.m. and end at 5 p.m. It’s a job that doesn’t offer vacation days, sabbaticals or even sick days.

Because parenting is so challenging, it’s important for parents to find ways to recharge and refresh themselves. “Be sure to take care of yourself while taking care of the children,” Pat Tanner Nelson, UD Cooperative Extension family and human development specialist, advises. “It’s easy to be consumed by your role as mother or father. But, you’ll actually be a better parent if you make time for yourself.”

Nelson has seen many loving, well-meaning parents become exhausted, irritable and unhappy because they never consider their own needs. Hobbies, exercise, socializing with other adults, even reading the newspaper become things of the past. Eventually, such a parent becomes frazzled, burned out or even resentful.

However, giving yourself “time off for good behavior” can be easier said than done, Nelson acknowledges. Delegating childcare to others-even to the child’s other parent-can be hard to do.

“Let’s say a new mother decides to take a break and soak in a bubble bath while dad puts the baby to bed. But, instead of enjoying this time for herself, the new mom feels guilty that she isn’t with the baby or worries that her partner isn’t ‘doing it right,’” Nelson notes. “And, if bedtime does goes off without a hitch, she may feel threatened that the baby doesn’t need her.”

Nelson says that parents should learn to let go and share childcare with trusted, responsible family members, friends, babysitters and/or childcare professionals.

In two-parent families, delegating responsibility is especially important to do, Nelson says, because it helps both individuals develop and refine their parenting skills.

Both parents win when they share in the duties of childrearing. “Each person knows that they are contributing, and the risk of one parent feeling overwhelmed or overburdened is lessened,” Nelson says.

“And, it’s a real bonus for children to be actively involved with both of their parents because mothers and fathers interact with kids in different ways. It’s good for children to experience different types of parenting.”

When a parent does get away from the kids, he or she should make the time count. “Don’t go to the grocery store or run errands-unless that’s what you really want to do with your time alone,” Nelson says. “Get involved in something that will help you come back re-charged and refreshed.”

Instead, devote these hours to the things you like to do, whether that’s socializing, going to the library, taking a nature walk or going for a bike ride. Enjoy a favorite hobby or discover a new interest, Nelson suggests.

And, in two-parent families, it’s just as important to plan some “couple time,” each week, Nelson says. “It’s easy to let your relationship with your spouse suffer when there are so many urgent demands from children and work. A strong couple relationship is at the foundation of good parenting - so time together needs to be a priority.”

Sometimes, parents need to be creative to get the “me time” they need. Relatives may live far away, there may not be another parent living in the home, and/or money may be too tight to hire a babysitter. Couple that with long hours at the workplace and parents may feel like time for themselves simply isn’t an option.

“Keeping your priorities straight is essential to being a good parent, a good partner and a good worker,” Nelson says. A parent might decide that a “clean enough” house plus time for an evening walk is more important than an immaculate house and no free time.

Taking time for you isn’t selfish. It can make you a happier--and better--parent, Nelson says.

Article by Margo McDonough
Photo by Kathy F. Atkinson

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