HOWZ ABOUT A TEACHING AWARD THIS TERM? Yes, you can be a winner like thousands of other professors and instructors. You can join the elite who have plaques, trophies, 8 by 10 glossy photos--all of the dazzle and academic confetti you ever imagined or dreamt of during a week with the flu. Here at Jim's Center, we have a full line of simply marvelous teaching excellence awards--awards that far exceed in clout the local, campus-bound, school-specific teaching awards. There are three categories to choose from: BEST TEACHER IN THE COSMOS, now on sale for $3,400; BEST TEACHER IN THE WESTERN WORLD, available this month and this month only for $2,790; BEST TEACHER IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE, just a mere $1,875 or ten easy installments of $190 every other month. The Center does not accept cash, but cashier's checks, money orders, and all credit cards are fine with us. Just make sure you spell your name correctly; it is embarassing to have the embossed plaque (with superimposed photo of you shaking hands with Jim Himself) with the wrong name on it in dayglo orange. yes, dayglo orange so that even your colleagues can see it from the hallway outside your office. Since professors rarely travel outside of their own university towns, we can award multiple BEST TEACHER awards throuhgout the world, not to mention within the same middle-size town. Each award looks 110% real--and it is real, of course: it came from Jim's Center, and it came without any of that politicking in the department, PR work on committees, smiling at Yo-Yo-Hubba-Ho students, fawning over second-rate term papers or exams, drooling in front of Deans,...none of that irrelevant, time-consuming activity. This is an American-made award: money talks, effectiveness walks, and here comes your own award. Get one now! Heck, get two or three--you deserve every one. You've earned them plain and simple!