From CNN: The Educational Testing Service and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, along with the Justice Department, have joined forces today to stop the malicious rumors and published diatribes of a well-known Professor and Disco Dancing Instructor in the state of Delaware. James Crouse, professor of assorted studies and educational enhancement projects par excellence, was named in the three hundred and one count indictment, along with the University of Delaware, the UniDel Foundation, the State of Delaware, High Energy the Gym, Arthur Murray Studios Incorporated, and Rapstar Records of Detroit, Michigan. The indictment alleges libelous, reckless, harmful statements made with a 4/4 beat repeatedly in daylight and under neon signs, all such statements, representations, declarations, and assertions demonstrably false, known to be so by the parties in question, and evidence of collusion, copyright infringement, and cooperation to drive out of business via unfair business practices the monopoly known as the corporate entity ETS, trademark copyrighted. Professor Crouse was not available for comments, though he was seen riding a bicycle towards the interstate highway. This is Paula Lahmpoor reporting for CNN from the former Yugoslavia.

From Newsweek: James Crouse is known to his friends as Galton Jr. because of his breakthrough work investigating the very glue that holds the hooves of the cosmos together. Walking on the Delaware campus under the disease American elms, students hail him and follow him to and fro, but mostly fro. For it is in the fro of life that he has an international, nay an intergalactic, reputation. In Princeton, NJ, at the underground bunker headquarters of the Educational We-test-'em Service, that have circulated posters with Dr. Jim's picture (front and side profile) and achievements so that all will hail him as well, but mostly to in this case.