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Frequently
Asked Questions
Lesbian Questions
What does it mean to be a lesbian?
Lesbians are women who are sexually attracted to other women. We are
women who may feel emotionally and spiritually closer to women. We are
women who prefer women as partners.
As lesbians, we are not alone. One out of ten people is lesbian or gay.
Many famous women in history were lesbians. Lesbians are teachers, doctors,
lawyers, movie stars, mothers, nuns, novelists.
Lesbians are White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant.
Lesbians are rich, poor, working class, and middle class. Some lesbians
are in heterosexual marriages. Lesbians are young women and old women.
"When we're really young, we have crushes on girls, but then
we're supposed to grow out of it. We're supposed to read books about
how girls meet boys and boys meet girls. Well, I'd never finish those
books."
How do I know if I'm a lesbian?
During adolescence, most young women begin to be aware of sexual feelings
and take interest in dating. Many young women feel physically attracted
to men. But many other young women feel physically attracted to other
women.
You may notice that you feel turned on by other women. You may feel different
from other women friends, like you don't fit in sometimes. If you go out
with men, it may not feel "right." "Why aren't there any
men like these terrific women I know ?"
You may also feel confused or unsure about whether or not you're a lesbian.
Many of our friends may tell us that we're going through a phase, or that
we don't know what we're talking about. That's their way of avoiding the
fact that some of us are lesbians.
You may feel confused because you're attracted to both men and women.
That's ok. Some women have relationships with both men and women throughout
their lives. They are called bisexuals. Some may decide to become exclusively
lesbians or heterosexual. Don't worry if you aren't sure.
Am I normal?
Yes, you are normal. It's perfectly natural for people to be attracted
to their own sex. But it's not something that is encouraged in our society.
Many people push these feelings away because, of prejudice against gays
and lesbians.
Most scientific experts agree that a persons sexual orientation is determined
at a very young age, maybe even at birth.
It's normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you're gay or straight.
What's really important is that we learn to like ourselves.
"We're told that it's sick, or perverted, or sinful, or abnormal.
But the people who tell us that are the same ones who say women belong
in the kitchen, and that Black people are inferior, and that handicapped
people are useless. Who's to say what's normal?"
What is it like to be young and lesbian?
There's no "right" way or "wrong" way to be a lesbian.
Because of societies stereotypes about lesbians that we've all grown up
with, you might think you have to be a certain way if you're lesbian.
Your sexual orientation is only one part of who you are. You probably
have hobbies and interest that are the same as your straight friends.
Because of homophobia and prejudice, some people don't accepts lesbians
and gays. Lesbians and gays suffer from discrimination and violence. That's
why there are many gay and lesbian organizations that work for gay and
lesbian civil rights.
"I feel very powerful, special, independent, strong and courageous."
"It's scary sometimes. I felt very unsure of myself. But other
times I feel wonderful and proud."
"Once I accepted myself and my sexuality, I found that I became
more involved in life with my friends because I was more comfortable
with myself."
Whom should I tell?
More and more lesbians are learning to feel better about themselves.
As you start to listen to your deepest feelings and learn more about what
it means to be a lesbian, you will begin to be comfortable with your sexuality.
This is the process called coming out.
The first step of coming out is to tell yourself that you are a lesbian
and say "That's OK" Later you may want to tell someone else
- someone you trust to be understanding and sympathetic. You might choose
a friend or a therapist. You will probably want to meet other lesbians
for friendship or a more intimate relationship. You need to decide whether
or not to tell your family, and to choose the right time. Lots of people,
including parents, simply don't understand homosexuality and are more
difficult to come out to. In the beginning, it may be important to be
cautious about whom you tell.
We may feel isolated, fearful, and depressed, especially if we've had
no one to talk to about the fact that we're lesbian.
More and more, we, as young lesbians, are learning to like who we are.
It helps to read good books about lesbians - books that have accurate
information in them and that are written about lesbians who are leading
very fulfilling lives. It also helps to meet other lesbians because when
we find out that lesbians are as diverse as any other group of people
and that we've been told a lot of lies by our society.
Unfortunately, not everyone you know will think that being a lesbian
is OK It's hard to know who can handle the information and give you support.
Some friends may accept you. Some friends may turn away from you. Telling
your family can be very difficult. Some families are very supportive.
But not all of them.
There are counselors at the Center of Counseling and Student Development
that you can trust. It's important to have someone to talk to when you
are feeling confused about such an important part of your life.
"I'm no different now that I was 5 minutes ago, expect that
now I'm not keeping a big secret from you!"
What about sex?
No one should have to do something that they don't want to. There's no
need to rush things. It'll come in time.
Deciding whether or not to be sexual with someone is a big decision.
You may feel very scared at the thought of having sex with another women.
That's OK Lots of us do, especially if it's our first time.
Women in our society are not encouraged to talk openly about sex, but
it's important that we communicate about what we like and don't like to
do sexually, whether we feel different expectations we may have about
the relationship. And, it's important to talk about whether we're at risk
for HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, or other Sexually Transmitted Diseases,
like herpes.
"First I would ask myself if I felt ready. Then I would talk
to my partner to see if she felt ready. When you decide to have sex,
it feels good when you've made the right decision. Only you can know
when it is and isn't right for you to have sex."
"When you're turned on by someone it doesn't mean you're ready
to have sex. You have to feel emotionally ready. It's important that
both of you talk about what you like and don't like."
Do I have to worry about AIDS?
All of us should know about HIV, the virus that causes AIDS - how it's
transmitted and how we can prevent ourselves from becoming infected. You
and your partner should discuss your risk factors for HIV infection and
decide what safer sex methods you should use.
Lesbians who are at risk are those who:
- Share needles if using IV drugs.
- Have vaginal intercourse with men without using condoms. (Many lesbians
do occasionally have sexual contact with men.)
- Have oral sex with an infected woman without the use of a barrier
to protect against infected vaginal secretions or menstrual blood.
- Safer sex for lesbians includes:
- Use of a dental dam for oral-vaginal and oral-anal stimulation.
A dental dam is a piece of latex about 5 inches square designed
for use in dental surgery. They are available at dental or medical
supply stores.
- Use of surgical gloves when sticking your fingers into your partner's
vagina or anus, especially if you have tiny cuts or rashes on you
hands.
How can I meet other lesbians?
How do we learn to like ourselves?
All people have a right to feel good about themselves. Developing self-esteem
is very important for young people. It's hard for gay and lesbian youth
to feel good about ourselves because all around us are people who think
that we are sick, or perverted, or destined to live very unhappy lives.
When we feel that we have to hide who we really are, it can make us feel
like hurting ourselves, perhaps through alcohol, drugs, or suicide.
"It helps me to interact with people who make me feel happy
and good about myself. And try to do things I feel good about doing."
Books
- Bisexuality: A Reader & Sourcebook. Time change Press, Novato,
CA 1990.
- Blumenfeld, Warren J. & Raymond, Diane (1988) Looking at Gay and
Lesbian life. Beacon Press
- Boston Lesbian Psychologies. Collective (1987) Lesbian Psychologies;
explorations and Challenges.
- Evans, Nancy J. & wall, Vernon A. (1991) Beyond tolerance: Gays,
Lesbians and Bisexuals on campus. A.C.P.A.
- Fairchild, Betty & Hayward, Nancy. (1979) Now that you know; what
every parent should know about homosexuality. Harvest/HBJ
- Heron, Ann. (Ed) (1983) One Teenager in 10. Alyson.
- Hutchins, Loraine & Kaahumnau, Lani (Eds.) (1991) BI any other
name, Bisexual people speak out. Alyson
- Miller, Neal (1989) In Search of Gay America. Harper & Row
- Pies, Cheri. (1985) considering parenthood. A workbook for Lesbians.
Spinsters Ink.
Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Organizations
Other campus and community Resources
This brochure was adapted from one written by Kevin
Cranston and Copper Thompson with help from members of the Boston Area
Gay and Lesbian Youth. The original brochure was produced and distributed
by The Campaign of End Homophobia, a network of people who work to end
homophobia through information and education.
This adaptation was developed and
published by the University of Delaware Sex Education Task Force with
assistance of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Student Union and support from
the campus Diversity Unit. 44/2001/12-92/S
Gay Questions
"I
think I might be gay,…now what do I do?"
A brochure for young men questioning their sexuality.
What does it mean to be gay?
Men who call themselves gay are sexually
attracted to and fall in love with other men. Their sexual feelings toward
men are normal and natural for them. These feelings emerge when they are
boys and the feelings continue into adulthood. Although some gay men may
also be attracted to women, they usually say their feelings for men are
stronger and more important to them.
We know that about one out of ten people
in the world is gay or lesbian (lesbians are women who are attracted to
other women.) This means that in any large group of people, there are
usually several gay people present. However, you cannot tell if someone
is gay or not, unless he or she wants you to know. Gay people blend right
in with other people. But they often feel different from other people.
Gay men may not be able to specify just
why they feel different. All of the guys they know seem to be attracted
to women, so they don't know where they fit in. And they may not feel
comfortable talking with others about their feelings.
How do I know if I'm gay?
You may not know what to call your sexual
feelings. You don’t have to rush and decide how to label yourself right
now. Our sexual identities develop over time. Your sexual feelings may
be so strong that that they are not directed towards particular persons
or situations, but seem to emerge without cause. Over time, most gay men
become more clearly focused and can figure out whom they are really attracted
to. You may find yourself developing a crush on a particular man and may
find this experience pleasurable, troubling, or a mix of the two. You
may be confused because you're attracted to both men and women- that's
OK If that continues, you would be called a bisexual. Don't worry if you
aren't sure.
If you think you might be gay, ask yourself:
·
When I dream or fantasize
sexually, is it more about men or women?
·
Have I ever had a crush
or been in love with a man?
·
Do I feel different than
other men?
·
Are my feelings for men
true and clear?
If you can't answer these questions now,
don't worry. You will be more sure in time. You and only you know how
to label yourself correctly.
"I don't remember exactly when I first knew that
I was gay, but I do remember that they thought of sex with men always
excited me."
"I never had any real attraction toward women,
but I really knew that I was gay when puberty began. I felt an attraction
toward the other boys and I was curious to find out what they were like."
"One day I was flipping thorough a magazine, there
was a cute guy, and bam! I knew."
Making contact.
So, you may be ready to find out more.
Start by reading. DELCAT or a card catalogue will give you listings and
there are some good books listed at the end of this brochure. Actually,
most librarians are usually glad to help, and there is often a gay section
at most bookstores.
Try calling a gay hotline. Some are listed
in the back of this brochure. They will let you talk about your feelings,
and will direct you to organizations that help gay people. Some other
helpful resources are listed also on the back of this brochure.
Remember, gay people are out there, wherever
you are. Trust your instincts. Sooner or later you will meet someone who
feels some of the same things you do.
"When I first met another gay person, I felt excited,
anxious, nervous and happy. There was an indescribable relief to know
that I was not alone, that there was someone else like me. It was also
intimidating, not knowing what to expect, but I quickly loosened up and
felt relaxed."
"When I first met another gay person, it was incredible,
refreshing, reassuring, touching, awesome, and wonderful."
Will I ever have sex?
Naturally, you think about finding an
outlet for your sexual feelings. Becoming a healthy sexual person is part
of the coming out process. You may be scared at the prospect of having
sex. This is normal for everyone. No one should start having sex until
they are ready. Until then, you may choose to masturbate or fantasize.
Sex should only happen between mature
individuals who care about each other. You will know when the time is
right.
We all choose to have sex in different
ways, whether we are gay or straight. Gay men choose from a wide range
of sexual practices, including masturbation (either alone or with another
person). oral sex, anal intercourse, kissing, hugging, massage, wrestling,
holding hands, cuddling, or anything else which appeals to both partners.
You are in complete control over what you do sexually and with whom.
"When I first made contact with another gay man,
I felt tremendous relief. I couldn't believe I had made a connection.
I felt happy but also scared. I felt that I could do or say anything and
not worry about it."
What about AIDS?
All sexually active people need to be
aware of AIDS as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. Being gay
does not give you AIDS but certain sexual practices and certain drug use
behaviors can put you at risk for catching the virus that causes AIDS.
AIDS is not curable, but it is preventable.
Here's how to reduce your risk of getting
AIDS:
·
Do not shoot up drugs.
·
Sharing needles is the
most dangerous behavior in terms of getting AIDS.
·
Avoid anal intercourse,
or other direct anal contact. Anal intercourse transmits the virus very
efficiently. If you do engage in anal sex, always use a condom every
time.
It's wise to use condoms whenever you
engage in oral sex (or vaginal sex if you have sex with women). You should
latex condoms that are fresh and undamaged. Store them away from heat
(your wallet is not a good place to keep them). Use a condom only once.
Try to choose condoms with "reservoir tips", and be sure to
squeeze out the air from the tip as you put it on. (Hold on to the condom
as you remove it from your penis; sometimes a condom will slip off after
sex.)
Learning to like yourself.
It's not easy to discover that you are
gay. Our society makes it very clear what it thinks of gay people. We
all ear the terrible jokes, the hurtful stereotypes, and the wrong ideas
that circulate about gay people. People tend to hate or fear what they
don't understand. Some people hate lesbians and gay men. Many people are
uncomfortable being around lesbians and gay men.
It's no wonder that you might choose
to hide your gay feelings from others. You might even be tempted to hide
them from yourself.
You may wonder if you are normal. Perhaps
you worry about people finding out about you. Maybe you avoid other people
who might be gay because of what people will think. Working this hard
to conceal your thoughts and feelings is called being in the closet. It
is a painful and lonely place to be, even if you stay there in order to
survive.
It takes a lot of energy to deny your
feelings and it can be costly. You may have tried alcohol or other drugs
to numb yourself against these thoughts. You may have considered suicide.
If so, please contact one of he resources we've listed foe help. There
are alternatives to denying your very valuable feelings.
"I had to reject a lot of negative heterosexual
and religious programming that made me feel lousy about myself as a gay
person. I began to like myself by meeting other gay people and joining
a gay support group. After that, I was content with myself."
"My aunt is a lesbian, and she has made it clear
to me, before I even knew I was gay, that being gay was OK"
"I accepted the facts, which means that I don't
deny being gay and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not."
Whom should I tell?
More and more people are learning to
feel better about themselves. As you start to listen to your deepest feelings
and learn more about what it means to be gay you will begin to be comfortable
with your sexuality. This is the process called coming out.
The first step in coming out is to tell
yourself that you are gay and say, "
That's OK" Later you may want to tell someone else-someone you trust
to be understanding and sympathetic. You might choose a friend or a therapist.
You will probably want to meet other gay people for friendship or a more
intimate relationship. You need to decide whether or not to tell your
family, and to choose the right time. Lots of people, including parents,
simply don't understand gay people and are difficult to come out to. In
the beginning, be cautious about whom you tell.
But it is crucial to be honest with yourself.
Just as self-denial costs you, coming out pays off. Most people who accept
their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier and more confident.
"No matter what people say, you are normal. God
created you, and you were made in this image. If you are non-religious,
you were born, and you have a purpose, and being gay is only part of it."
"Stand up for what you believe in, and don't listen
to what hatemongers have to say. Stand proud and confident!"
"I can only tell other people that I'm gay if I've
known them for a long time and if they are accepting and tolerant. I think
it's important that they know about this special part of me."
"Since I'm normal, I don't have to hide how I feel.
But you should make sure that you are comfortable with your orientation
before you blurt it out to just anyone."
"I tell people that I'm gay if I know they wont
reject me, will accept me for what I am, and won't try to 'straighten'
me out. I test them, I suppose, then judge if I want to risk telling them."
Books
Blumenfield, Warren J. & Raymond, Diane. (1988) Looking at gay
and lesbian life. Beacon Press.
Boston Lesbian Psychologies Collective.
(1987) Lesbian Psychologies: explorations and challenges.
Evans, Nancy J. & Wall, Vernon A.
(1991) Beyond tolerance: gays, lesbians and bisexuals on campus.
ACPA.
Fairchild, Betty & Hayward, Nancy.
(1979) Now that you know: what every parent should know about homosexuality.
Harvest/ HBJ.
Heron, Ann (Ed.) (1983) One teenager
in 10. Alyson.
Hutchins, Loraine & Kaahumanu, Lani
(Eds.) (1991) Bi any other name. Bisexual people speak out. Alyson.
Miller, Neal. (1989) In search of
gay America. Harper & Row.
Pies, Cheri. (1985) Considering parenthood.
A workbook for lesbians. Spinsters Ink.
Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Organizations
Haven
304 Perkins Student Center
University of Delaware
302-831-8066
Gay-Lesbian
Alliance of Delaware (GLAD)
Hotline: 800-292-0429
800-344-AIDS
Delaware Lesbian & Gay Health Advocates (DLGHA)
800 West Street
Wilmington, DE 19801
302-652-6776
Parents
& Friends of Lesbians & Gays (P-FLAG)
302-674-8893
Other Campus and Community Resources
Center for
Counseling and Student Development
261 Perkins Student Center
(over bookstore)
University of Delaware
302-831-2141
Student Health Services:
GYN
Clinic
Psychiatric Patient Care
Wellspring
Health Education Program
AIDS Testing Site
Laurel Hall
University of Delaware
302-831-2226
Planned Parenthood Clinics:
GYN Clinic
Pregnancy and AIDS testing
Male Clinic (Mondays in Newark,
Tuesdays in Wilmington)
302-731-7801 Newark
302-655-7293 Wilmington
AIDS Sr. Health Educator
Hudson State Service Center
501 Ogletown Road
Newark, DE 19711
302-368-6925
This brochure was adapted from one written by Kevin
Cranston and Cooper Thompson with help from members of the Boston Area
Gay and Lesbian Youth. The original brochure was produced and distributed
by The Campaign to End Homophobia, a network of people who work to end
homophobia through information sharing and education.
This adaptation was developed and
published by the University of Delaware Sex Education Task Force with
the assistance of the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Student Union and support
from the Campus Diversity Unit.
Bisexual Questions
Myths and Realities of Bisexuality
Myth:
Bisexuality doesn't really exist. People who consider themselves bisexuals
are going through a phase/confused/undecided/fence sitting. Ultimately
they'll settle down and realize they're actually homosexual or heterosexual.
Reality:
Some people go through a transitional period of bisexuality on their way
to adopting a lesbian/gay or heterosexual identity. For many others bisexuality
remains a long-term orientation. For some bisexuals, homosexuality was
a transitional phase in their coming out as bisexuals. Many bisexuals
may well be confused, living in a society where their sexuality is denied
by homosexuals and heterosexuals alike, but that confusion is a function
of oppression. Fence-sitting is a misnomer; there is no "fence"
between homosexuality and heterosexuality except in the minds of people
who rigidly divide the two.
Myth:
Bisexuality doesn't really exist. People who consider themselves bisexual
are really heterosexual, but are experimenting/playing around/trying to
be cool/trendy.
Reality:
Whether an individual is an "experimenting heterosexual" or
a bisexual depends on how s/he defines her/himself, rather than on some
external standard. While there certainly are people for whom bisexual
behavior is trendy, this does not negate the people who come to a bisexual
identity amidst pain and confusion and claim it with pride.
Myth:
Bisexuality doesn't really exist. People who consider themselves bisexuals
are actually lesbian/gay, but haven't fully accepted themselves and finished
coming out of the closet (acknowledging their attraction to people of
the same gender.)
Reality:
Bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation. Many bisexuals are completely
out of the closet, but not on the lesbian/gay community's terms. (It is
worth noting that many lesbians and gay men are not completely out of
the closet and their process is generally respected; it is also worth
noting that the lesbian/gay community whose "terms" are in question
here has tended to be quite different for working class lesbians, gays
of color, etc.) Bisexuals in this country share with lesbians and gays
the debilitating experience of heterosexism (the assumption that everyone
is heterosexual and thereby rendering other sexual identities invisible)
and homophobia (the hatred, fear, and discrimination against homosexuals.)
Myth:
Bisexuals are shallow, narcissistic, untrustworthy, hedonistic, and immoral.
Reality:
This myth reflects our culture's ambivalence over sex and pleasure. The
"sex" in bisexuality gets overemphasized, and our culture projects
onto bisexuals its fascination with and condemnation of sex and pleasure.
Myth:
Bisexuality means having concurrent lovers of both sexes.
Reality:
Bisexuals are people who can have lovers of either sex, not people who
must have lovers of both sexes. Some bisexual people may have concurrent
lovers, but bisexuals do not need to be with both sexes in order to feel
fulfilled.
Myth:
Bisexuals are promiscuous hypersexual swingers who are attracted to every
woman and man they meet. Bisexuals cannot be monogamous, nor can they
or live in traditional committed relationships. They could never be celibate.
Reality:
Bisexual people have a range of sexual behaviors. Like lesbians, gays
or heterosexuals, some have multiple partners, some have one partner,
some go through periods without any partners. Promiscuity is no more prevalent
in the bisexual population than in other groups of people.
Myth:
Bisexuals get the best of both worlds and a doubled chance for a date
Reality:
Combine our society's extreme heterosexism and homophobia with lesbian
and gay hesitance to accept bisexuals into their community, and it might
be more accurate to say that bisexuals get the worst of both worlds. As
to the doubled chance for a date theory, that depends more upon the individual's
personality then it does upon her/his bisexuality. Bisexuals don't radiate
raw sex any more than lesbians, gays, or heterosexuals. If a bisexual
woman has a hard time meeting people, her bisexuality won't help much.
Myth:
Bisexuals are desperately unhappy, endlessly seeking some kind of peace
which they cannot ever find.
Reality:
Like lesbians and gays who have been told that they will live awful lives,
bisexuals can respond that much of the pain comes from oppression, so
people concerned about the "awful lives" of bisexuals should
join the fight against homophobia.
Adapted from Vernon
A. Wall and Nancy J. Evans, "Using Psychological development theories
to understand and work with gay and lesbian persons," in Nancy J.
Evans and Vernon A. Wall (eds.) Beyond Tolerance: Gays, Lesbians and
Bisexuals on Campus, American College Personnel Association, 1991
Adapted
from Western Michigan University's "Safe on Campus" Program
by Gregory
M. Weight, Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community Office, University
of Delaware
March 2000
Transgendered
Questions
Transgender Issues:
- A transgender person is someone whose gender display at least sometimes
runs contrary to what other people in the same culture would normally
expect.
There are several types:
- FTM (female to male): born female but see themselves
as partly to fully masculine.
- MTF (male to female): born male but see themselves
as partly to fully feminine.
- Intersexed: born with a combination of male and
female physiology (similar to hermaphrodite). May accept their mixed
gender as natural.
- Not every trans-identifying person chooses to have complete sex re-assignment
surgery; some have partial surgery, others cannot or do not want any
at all, but choose to live as the opposite gender or somewhere in between
male and female.
- Sexual orientation (the sex(es) to which you find yourself erotically
attracted), sexual identity (how you see yourself physically-male, female
or in between) and gender identity (how you see yourself socially-male,
female or in between) are independent of each other. A person may express
any variation of these in any combination. A transgender person's sexual
orientation is not determined by their gender identity or their sexual
identity.
- The following groups are considered to fall under the transgender
heading: drag queen, drag king, butch, femme, transvestite (cross-dresser),
androgyne, transsexual, intersexed.
To contact the Office:
call 302-831-8703
Information line 302-831-4114
e-mail lgbtoffice@UDel.edu
Last update: April 10, 2001
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