"It is exhausting in many ways. The inputs from the outside are distorted. The accomodation to this distortion is to CONSCIOUSLY process the information at a much earlier stage in the data stream than normal people.
Translating verbal inputs into a visual symbolic scheme also takes much effort. And then the output has to be translated into some form the normal world will understand.
Part of my own self-discovery has been to realize I had many problems from having to consciously perform tasks that were done by other people off-line or unconsiously. Being put into situations where this processing exceeds my capacity results in a shut-down."
Brett Buck, an adult with AS
I had a brainstorm the other day on the "exhaustion" theme.
And it is simply that I have lived in England for three years
now, as an American, and I AM EXHAUSTED.
The scenery is pretty, the food is okay, but I just don't
"get it."
When an Englishman talks to me one-on-one, clearly and
without slang, I do understand. But I cannot understand if I'm in
a room full of many people talking, or if I'm walking behind two
English people eavesdropping on their conversation, or if I've
become so friendly with an English person that he or she gets
comfortable and drops into colloquial speech.
The frustrating thing is, if I were German or Chinese, no
one would expect me to understand. But since I speak English, I'm
expected to understand. People look at me like I'm stupid if they
have to repeat themselves two or three times and I still don't
get what's being said. About this time, I start FEELING stupid,
too.
Also, I don't "get" the unwritten rules. I don't understand
why stores close early on Wednesdays in our village but close on
Thursdays in the next town. I don't know when Bank Holidays are,
what unwritten dress codes should be observed, or what to expect
from certain occasions.
I've made so many goof-ups it's embarrassing:
What else? I don't get the jokes, and I am always a half
second behind in grasping even the straightforward stuff, because
of accent and/or local jargon. It makes it impossible to keep up
with conversations, and fatally easy to drift into the background
of any group or just stop paying attention altogether.
In conclusion, although I've enjoyed the exposure to another
culture, I truly can't wait to get back to my own turf, where I
know how to act without having to put a lot of constant brain
power into it.
Anyway, as I was thinking about all this, it suddenly
occurred to me that perhaps this may be the sort of exhaustion
that AS folks feel, only there's no plane ticket to a place where
they will understand all the rules. I don't know if I'm close on
all of this, but it's helped me to feel a lot of sympathy for my
son (who is doing the American/English translation on top of the
AS/NT thing!)
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Signed,
Lise (who once told
the chemist (pharmacist), "I'm here for a prescription for
Pyles." You should have seen her face! I hope I don't have to
explain this to anyone!)
After reading this, Dave Spicer, an adult with AS, had this to
say:
"Close indeed. If I could suggest a couple of "extensions"
to the analogy...
There is no immediate appearance of "foreigness", so the "locals"
almost never speak slowly and plainly.
*Everyone* else, including the other members of one's own family,
are "locals". This brings the difficulties of translation and
understanding into many interactions where the expectations are
the highest - the most emotional "weight" is put on them - and
the cost of failure is the highest as well.
Not only is there no "plane home", there is no "home". I realize
this sounds terribly stark, but the experience of being a
"resident alien", either from another country or for that matter
another planet, is pervasive enough that it seems accurate to
say.
...my own diagnosis of HFA/AS is recent enough (2 years) that I
am still very much in the learning/discovery process. Thus,
after painting a somewhat bleak picture, I have to also say that
I don't have a lot of answers yet. Being apparently unable to
establish a sense of identity in the traditional societal matrix,
it becomes a matter of blasting one out of solid rock, alone, to
make a path for oneself. (These words seem correct.) At the
risk of sounding melodramatic, perhaps it could be said that
every autistic person is sent on a lifelong journey in an
unfamiliar land, alone. This would make a very suitable vehicle
for epic fiction (or for an industrial-strength dream), but it is
less heroic-sounding when one realizes there is no awakening from
it - only acceptance of it and the doing of it."
This kind of stuff goes on near daily and in fact just today
I asked for a "box of Dweebs" candy for my son and caused major
confusion because candy comes in "packets" here and when I asked
for a "box" the saleslady thought I wanted the whole case of
them! Anyway, although the above examples might give one a
chuckle, and even I can laugh, still on a deeper level it makes
me feel a bit humiliated and like I'm walking around with two
left feet.
Home to O.A.S.I.S.