• The gay person is apt to have spent many hours in thoughtful preparation and shares the information with keen awareness of the possible risk.
  
  
• There is no way for the gay person to predict your reaction accurately. You have spent your entire life in a society that teaches you to despise gay people. The gay person has no way of knowing in advance how able you will feel to throw off those years of training and respond spontaneously and gratefully to such an intimate offering of self.
  
  
• It is important to understand that the gay person has not changed. You may be shocked by their revelation, but remember this is still the same person as before. Don't let the shock lead you to view the gay person as suddenly different or bad. You now know that this person can love someone of the same gender completely-you have no reason to believe suddenly that this person is morally depraved or emotionally unbalanced.
  
  
• Don't ask questions that would have been considered rude within the relationship before this disclosure. This person has the same sensibilities as before. However, you may well need to do some "catching up." Some common questions are:
  
  
  • How long have you known you were gay?
  • Is there someone special?
  • Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
  • Is there some way I can help?
  • Have I ever offended you unknowingly?

Be honest and open about your feelings. It makes the sharing more complete and makes change possible. If you find it hard to believe, say so. If you find you are reacting with emotional repugnance but want to learn more so you can throw off your prejudice, say so. If your feelings are totally negative, you can say that too. It is a possibility that the gay person has certainly considered and risked. However, in fairness to yourself, admit aloud that negative feelings may change, so the gay person will leave the door open for you to return.

If you know or suspect that someone you know is gay and have not yet been told, appreciate the fear and anxiety that inhabits the disclosure. All you can do, usually, is to make it openly known that you appreciate and support gay people. Actions speak louder than words, however. Gay friends and gay-oriented reading materials in your home do more than announcements of pro-gay feelings, which can sound phony.