UpDate - Vol. 15, No. 26, Page 9
April 4, 1996
Former employee reflects on FSAP assistance

     Shirley Worden, Employee Services, retired from the University
Dec. 22 after 15 years's service. Like other retirees, she carried
home cardboard boxes stuffed with photographs and mementos of her
years at the University.
     Most importantly, she said, she took away memories of her
colleagues and friends who helped her get through one of the most
difficult periods of her life.
     During the fall of 1994, Worden's 34-year-old son, Gregory-a
husband, father and biology teacher at Middletown High
School-committed suicide after a sudden, serious medical problem.
     Worden said she reacted as any parent would, primarily wondering
what she could have done to prevent the tragedy.
     "I asked myself why I didn't see it coming," she explained. "It
was a very difficult time for me and my family."
     Cecily Sawyer Harmon, coordinator of the Faculty Staff Assistance
Program (FSAP), stopped in to see Worden frequently during that
difficult period. In one of their conversations, Harmon suggested that
Worden attend "Coping with Losses," a three-month program offered by
the FSAP for University employees who lose a loved one.
     The program was conducted by Harmon, Darlene Sharp, FSAP
counselor, and Linda Wills, a representative from Delaware Hospice.
     "My reaction was reserved," Worden said. "I was skeptical. But
Cecily is a friend, and I also didn't want to turn down an opportunity
that might be helpful. I agreed to attend the program."
     At Worden's first session, there were more than 20 employees, who
each had lost a loved one.
     "Most of us said very little in the beginning," Worden recalled.
"We spoke briefly about why we were there. Eventually, we got to be
comfortable with each other."
     The meetings ranged from about two hours to a half day, depending
upon the topic. There also were handouts and lists of available
community and governmental resources.
     "The sessions were very useful and, at times, very emotional, as
people tried to express themselves in words," Worden said. "At the
first meeting, all I could say is, 'My son died suddenly in October.'
By the time we were finished, I could talk more openly and candidly
and say he committed suicide. We could just plain be more honest with
ourselves.
     "I consider the program a tremendous help to me. That's why I
told Cecily if I could ever recommend that someone go to counseling,
she should feel free to have them call me."
     At the conclusion of the program, Worden said she realized that
what she and the other participants were told at the beginning of the
program was true: "You have to work your way through the loss and
grief. You can't avoid it."
     "Because," Worden added, "by avoiding it, you only postpone the
recovery."
     She said one of the most powerful lessons of the sessions was
being introduced to a poem about a dead elephant in the center of a
room that everyone walks around and avoids talking about it, even
though it is obvious.
     The poem and its message captured society's and individuals'
reactions to death. Worden said it made such an impact on her that she
made copies and gave them to other members of her family.
     As a result of the counseling and the opportunity it presented to
share experiences, Worden said the participants realized that being
angry, overeating, not eating, becoming depressed and other seemingly
unusual behaviors were actually normal reactions to the major loss
that each of them had experienced.
     "We found out what we all were doing was normal," Worden said,
"and that, in itself, was a tremendous help."
     The tears that they shed also were mixed with laughter, she
added. "We cried a lot, laughed a lot and everything in between."
     Some of the course participants have become friends and stay in
touch with each other, Worden said. Understanding that no one is alone
is both important and comforting.
     "The assistance I received and the University program are
tremendous resources," said Worden. "I hope people never need to use
them, but no one's life is that perfect."
                                                         -Ed Okonowicz


Editor's note: This is the first in a series about services available
to University employees through the Faculty and Staff Assistance
Program. For additional information on "Coping with Losses" and other
programs, call 831-2414.