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Rob Palkovitz compares fatherhood to a long journey -- like walking to a far away city.

Palkovitz, a professor of Individual and Family Studies at the University of Delaware, where he researches fatherhood, says if someone told you that you must walk to a far away city to get a terrific reward, you’d probably start walking. You might lose your way, backtrack, make mistakes and encounter obstacles, but if you persist, you likely would get there.

“If you keep at it and take enough steps, you get where you’re going,’’ says the father of four. “Every day, fathers have to say, ‘Where am I now? Where do I want to be? What steps can I implement to get there?’’

Palkovitz’s advice to fathers and to adult sons who have regrets about their relationships with their dads is simple: “Stop focusing on the past, and focus on where you want to go.”

“This isn’t really rocket science,’’ he says. “It’s how can you build your relationship. It comes down to stuff like the Golden Rule. How would you like to be treated?’

Here are tips Palkovitz has gleaned from his research, his interaction with his four sons and from his volunteer work with children with absentee fathers:

• Little things matter in life. Think what a difference it would make if you said something like, ‘Dad, I really appreciate how you worked to provide for our family.’ You don’t have to throw in, ‘But it would have been nice if you were home more often.’ Think what that’s going to do for your relationship. Tell your kid, ‘It’s fun being your dad,’ without adding, ‘But it’d be nice if you picked up your room.’ You build relationships one step at a time’’ It is important to focus on things that are both true and positive.
• You have years to build a relationship. Figure out where you are now and how you can build from there.
• Parents of 18-year-olds still need to be on hand for the important transition to college or work. Palkovitz says parents help cast their children’s images of themselves and are the wind beneath young people’s wings as they venture away from home. He says it is important for 18-year-olds to feel their parents’ support as well as earned independence.
• Some parents have dug some pretty deep holes in their past relationships with their children. If you’re in a hole, you just have a longer way to go to establish a sound relationship with your child. Significant hurts take time and consistency to heal.
• Think ahead to what you want your child to say about you when he leaves home: “My dad was always like this…” Whatever you want him to say, start being that way.

Contact: Beth Thomas/Kathy Canavan (302) 831-8749
June 3, 2003