University of Delaware Office of Public Relations The Messenger Vol. 6, No. 1/1996 Comforting Strategies Okay. The love of your life has just walked out the door. Gone. You're devastated. If you're a young woman, you call your best girlfriend. If you're a young guy, you call your best bud or a platonic female friend. Are you hoping he or she will say? "...You're acting like this is the end of the world, not the end of a relationship. It's crazy to make yourself so miserable over something you can't control!" Or, would you rather hear? "...It's really frustrating to have someone end a relationship so suddenly, especially if you thought things were going okay. This probably doesn't count for much right now, but I've been where you are. I think I understand how awful you must be feeling, and I'm sorry." Wendy Samter, UD associate professor of communication, has studied the types of comforting words people want to hear and those they actually use, and she's assessed the range of sensitivity and effectiveness of comforting responses. Students in a survey were asked by Samter to rate a continuum of responses a friend might give them upon learning of various emotional crises, such as the break-up of a long-term relationship, an impending parental divorce or the loss of a scholarship. Responses at the low end of the spectrum-rated as the least sensitive and the least effective-typically denied the distressed person's feelings and included such phrases as, "You really shouldn't be upset" or "This, too, shall pass." Responses at the other end of the spectrum-rated as highly sensitive and effective-acknowledged the other person's feelings and made some attempt at empathy: "I know how awful you must feel." Studies have shown that, when placed in the role of comforter, people often fall short, giving the responses at the lower end of the scale, Samter says. "That may be because comfort is often hard to ask for and hard to give," she explains. "Asking for comforting and emotional support immediately puts a person in a sort of one-down position," Samter says. "And, giving comfort can be very demanding. Not only is it tough to deal with someone who is emotionally distraught, but it may remind us of our own fears and weaknesses." It's also a somewhat difficult subject to study. "We can't just walk into a public place and find people sobbing and being comforted," Samter says. But, it is possible to stage a comforting session, which is perhaps the next best thing. "We've done studies where we've had two people come into the lab to fill out questionnaires," Samter says. At one point, we have them read a passage about an unfaithful husband and one of the people (our confederate) breaks down, saying she can't read any more because the same thing has just happened to her. "We videotape people's reactions, and we've seen everything. The reactions range from people who just look at the stricken woman and go on reading the questionnaire, to people who say it's not their problem and they have to get the questionnaire finished, to people who take 40 or 50 minutes to sit and talk and maybe even offer to meet her again if she needs to talk more," she says. Traditionally, women are better comforters than men, Samter says, but her studies show that, when it comes to wanting comfort, men and women are more alike than different. Samter found men and women respondents preferred the same comforting responses, although, overall, the act of being comforted was slightly more important to women than men. "For young adults, the emotional support provided by same- sex friends appears to be an important vehicle through which minor hurts and disappointments are managed," she says. "Research indicates that the provision of emotional support is not only a key feature around which young adults organize their same-sex friendships, but also a significant communicative activity in which they engage. "Studies of friendship conceptions suggest that young adults expect same-sex friends to 'be there' in times of emotional distress, to 'help out' when traumatic events occur and to listen and work through problems," she says. "Given this pattern of findings, it is not surprising that young adults see same-sex friends as their primary source of emotional support and actually turn to friends [as opposed to family members or romantic partners] for help and advice during times of minor distress," Samter says. These conclusions are limited, she points out, because they are based on samples of white, middle-class Americans. So, in her recent work, Samter has begun looking at the role emotional support plays in same-sex friendships of individuals from different ethnic groups, including Asian- and African-Americans. In one study, Samter and her colleagues asked Euro-, Asian- and African-Americans to complete three different questionnaires designed to assess their perceptions of: * the importance of comforting skills in same-sex friendships; * the relative significance in situations requiring emotional support of affective goals (such as "helping them talk about their feelings" or "allowing them to blow off steam") versus instrumental goals ("giving them the right advice" or "helping them solve their problem"); and * the sensitivity and effectiveness of various comforting strategies. The results showed both similarities and differences in how members of different cultural groups viewed various comforting messages and the task of providing emotional support. For example, every ethnic group rated affective goals as more important to pursue than instrumental goals in situations requiring support. And, every ethnic group rated high-level comforting strategies as more sensitive and effective than low- level comforting strategies. But, Euro-Americans placed a great deal more emphasis on comforting and its attendant behaviors than either Asian- or African-Americans. "The largest differences we observed," Samter says, "were among women." According to Samter, there are two explanations for these findings. On the one hand, they may result from the use of measuring instruments that imply comforting is best accomplished through talk. "Obviously, emotional support can be delivered through a variety of other means," she explains. "Some, like nonverbal demonstrations of affection, may be especially appropriate within Asian- and African-American communities. "Alternatively, comforting and emotional support may be less central to the conduct of same-sex friendships among Asian- and African- Americans than it is among Euro-Americans. Only future research can tell us which of these interpretations is correct," she says. Ultimately, Samter would like to use her research to develop comforting workshops. She is especially interested in applying them to young children who need to enhance their communication skills to avoid being rejected by peers. "Believe it or not, comforting is an important predictor of whether a child will be accepted by his or her peers," she says. "And, peer acceptance has all sorts of consequences for healthy long-term development." From her current project, interviewing terminally ill children about what they find comforting, she says she hopes to be able to develop materials for parents and doctors. Samter started studying comforting strategies as a graduate student at Purdue University. "I had just lost some people in my family and one of my professors was studying comforting strategies. Those two things combined convinced me that this is what I wanted to do." Currently, Samter is on sabbatical leave, working as a visiting scholar in communication at the University of San Francisco. -Beth Thomas