Volume 9, Number 4, 2000


Fourteen Friends

Guide to Eldercaring is exactly as its title suggests--a warm and friendly book about caring for older loved ones, written by 14 women who have been friends for nearly 40 years.

One of those friends is UD alumna, Alice Beckley MacDonald, HNS '66.

The 14 friends were members of the Class of 1962 at Yorktown High School in Arlington, Va., although some of them have been friends since they were all in the same first-grade class and Brownie troop. Now an interesting mix of professionals who live in different areas of the country, they have kept in touch, largely through a traditional "beach week" in Rehoboth Beach, Del., each year.

That's the week when they've gathered to mark important passages in their lives--a time to plan weddings, announce pregnancies, share child-rearing and career advice, help each other through divorce and the empty-nest syndrome and lately, find support from each other as they care for aging parents.

It was at one of these gatherings, when the topic turned to elder care, that someone--no one is exactly sure who--piped up with the suggestion, "Hey! We ought to write a book!" Who would have thought that, two years later, there would be extra guests at the beach week--a camera crew from NBC's Today Show filming a segment on them and their guide.

After their story aired on the Today Show (host Katie Couric also is a Yorktown High alum), the friends experienced a hub-bub of activity. They were asked to share their story in the style section of The Washington Post, with Jim Lehrer on public television's The News Hour and with reporters from a host of newspapers in their hometowns and the hometowns of their parents.

So, how do 14 people write a book together and remain good friends?

"That's what everyone wants to know," MacDonald says. "We just decided at the beginning that our friendships would always be more important than the book, that there couldn't be any hurt feelings, that no friction would be worth breaking up the group. We always had the philosophy that the book belonged to all of us. We
all knew our strong points, and some of us had
favorite topics, but no chapter of the book ever belonged to any one person."

If anything, MacDonald says, all the interaction that went into writing the book brought the group even closer together.

While eight of the group's members, who live in the Washington, D.C., area, were able to meet once a week to work on the book, they kept the rest of the writers actively involved through the magic of e-mail.

"This came along at just the right time," MacDonald says. "Even five years ago, the technology might not have allowed us to do this."

After coming up with pages of potential topics, including guilt, encouragement and understanding, one of the group, a former teacher, took the helm by assigning each person to write an essay on a specific topic.?

Another group member, who works as an editor, reviewed the first draft. Another secured an agent, who found a publisher. Although the initial deal fell through, the publisher's deadlines helped the group stay on schedule. Later, when Capital Books did publish the book, the initial printing of 10,000 sold out in six weeks, and a second printing was needed. A paperback edition now is available.

While the book offers advice from the women's own experience, they are quick to note that, although their group includes a neurologist and a psychiatric nurse, none of them is an expert in gerontology.

"We stress that we're not experts," MacDonald says. "We've written from our own experiences. For example, one of the group members found that when it was time to tell a loved one it was no longer physically safe for them to drive, she learned that it was much easier to let the doctor deliver the news. That way, the doctor-- and not the relative--became the bad guy."

The book also contains valuable advice on "Breaking the Code"--or learning that what an elderly person says may not always be what he or she means. For example, "I don't want to do that" may mean "I can't do that anymore." "I don't want steak" may mean "I can't cut or chew it anymore."

Practical tips include things like "Time has a different meaning for the elderly. You can be five minutes early but never five minutes late!"

And finally, personal anecdotes lend credibility to the group's advice. For example: "When Mother had to go to the hospital for surgery, I was the only one who could go with her. Knowing how difficult it is to place long distance calls from the hospital, I took my laptop computer with me. I could e-mail my brother and sisters to keep them apprised of Mother's status and, as she recovered, she enjoyed hearing their messages and passing along her own through me. It cheered her up immensely. Aren't computers a godsend!"

As a bonus, the 14 friends include a section in the back of the book for recording vital information in an Elder Caring Planner that includes everything from tips on dealing with the medical profession to places to record insurance policies, important phone numbers and medications and dosages.

"One reason we can be such a valuable support group for each other on this topic is that we know each others' parents. We grew up in each others' homes. Caregivers can feel incredibly alone, and we were all so glad to have each other to sound off to," MacDonald says. "We hope the book can do the same for those who read it, help them feel like the 15th friend."

--Beth Thomas